Well, you know what they say– “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”
**Just a disclaimer, folks: This post gets really dark, fast. I feel obligated to give you a true window into my mind as we go through this journey. If this were all positivity, it would be a lie because I am a wreck right now. Be warned.**
I had everything figured out! I could stay home till 36 weeks. I wouldn’t have to leave until mid-July. The kids would be fine; I would be fine; Daniel would be fine.
Until yesterday. I had my doctor’s appointment, and I am starting to dilate. I am dilated between a 1 and a 2. But I am not effaced yet, so that is good news.
This is my third baby, and dilating right now doesn’t necessarily mean that I will start leaking amniotic fluid soon. However, it does increase the risk of pre-term labor, especially since I have a history of it.
So, I am headed to Houston as soon as possible. I am on modified bed rest because I have quite a few Braxton Hicks contractions any time I am up and moving.
It will be a big problem if this baby comes this early. My little HLHS fighter needs all the help he can get, and being a preemie on top of having a serious heart problem…. Let’s just say that would really throw a monkey wrench into the situation.
I am completely devastated. I am terrified for Daniel. I am about to have to leave my home for months. I am about to have to spend so much time away and disengaged from my two active toddlers and my husband. I am going to be alone for much of the time.
Let me just get this off my chest: As stressed and upset as you may be to hear this, magnify this times ONE MILLION and you might have a small concept of what I am going through.
Here is what I need from people:
Don’t you dare suggest that we just “let nature take its course” if Daniel comes early. I might punch you in the face. Be warned.
Be positive. I am going to fight tooth and nail for as long as it takes. I need fellow warriors, not negative people who are going to bring me down.
Please just listen when I need it. I am already feeling really isolated.
Please be patient and gentle. I am filled with terror, rage, and all kinds of difficult emotions. I do not have the best control over myself at the moment. Just this morning, I literally sobbed for ten minutes when I read that Koko the gorilla died, and I flew off the handle at my mom for some harmless comment she made. I need you to be strong because I am really, really weak right now.
Please pray for us. Really, really pray.
I am really struggling with the knowledge that I can’t do anything to fix this. This is completely out of my control at the moment. I can’t stop the Braxton Hicks contractions when I move, I can’t stop myself from dilating and effacing early, and I can’t stop my water from breaking. This is completely out of my hands. I am filled with anger at my body for doing this.
Just to end on a positive note– I may go all the way to term with Daniel. Just because I am dilating doesn’t mean that he will come early. But it does mean that I have to move to Houston just in case I go into pre-term labor. Hopefully I don’t start leaking amniotic fluid, and hopefully Daniel stays put.
I have another round of appointments on Wednesday of next week in Houston. I will give more updates soon.